Frustrating Childhood Behaviors and Picking Parenting Battles

 

My daughter, Kara, is incredibly tenacious – has been since taking her first breath 10 years ago. As an infant, she screamed her head off whenever I tried to lay her down, unless I cocooned her around my boob so she could nurse every 20 minutes. As a toddler, she rejected clothing because it was too constraining – the sock felt wonky, the shirt was itchy, the panties crept too much, and the shoelaces were idiotic. She refused to sleep in my bed, didn’t like her own bed, and, so, the bedtime battle rallied on until she was in kindergarten. Her preschool years brought more eruption – sulks and squawks about clothing, bedtime, food touching on her plate, you name it…

When she was in kindergarten, she insisted on riding the bus to school with her friends, but we lived too close for the bussing option; so some days, I walked her to school, and other days, I drove her. Well, one day when I arrived to pick her up, she wasn't there. I parked, went inside, and checked her classroom; no Kara. I walked to the office, she wasn’t there either. I talked with the principal and then headed home to see if she had decided to walk on her own, which, at five-years-old was against the rules. When she still wasn’t home, I immediately called the school and notified the principal, who insisted I give her a few minutes to question the staff before I notified police. A few moments later, the principal called and informed me that Kara had hopped on a bus with her friend, and said the driver would wait for me at the next bus stop.

I was as petrified as I was angry, and relieved, of course, that she hadn’t been hit by a car, or snatched up by a pedophile, but when I questioned her as to why she would do such a thing after I repeatedly explained the bus situation, her only response was, “…because I wanted to ride the bus!”

Yeah, when Kara gets an idea in her head, she’s like a dog with a bone between its jowls: ferocious, relentless, theatrical.

While I certainly did not condone her dictating to me, correcting such hardheaded behavior was difficult, and, I admit, I wobbled on that tightrope between too much discipline, and not enough, for quite awhile. I didn’t want to squash her independent spirit or make her feel devalued when she expressed her desires and opinions so freely, so frequently, and with such conviction; but, she had to learn that I was in control and would not tolerate disappearing acts or disrespect. I expected her to articulate herself without screaming, follow the rules, and be polite.

Her dad’s answer to everything was, “whip her ass!” which was, by the way, one of many things we disagreed on and a huge source of tension long after we divorced. It continues to be.

After attempting what seemed like several thousand anxiety ridden tactics, which left me worn out, I learned what worked with Kara and what didn’t.

I recruited her kindergarten teacher to aid in my mission to get her sleeping in her own room, which worked wonderfully, as did the warning of a proposed phone call to her teacher in the midst of her blowups over getting ready for school. I learned to listen to what she was really saying instead of habitually barking orders, which helped her to feel understood, even when the answer was still no. And, more times than not, I let go and allowed her to freely experience the natural consequences of her behavior.

If she wanted to wear the same pair of pants to school every single day for a week, then she learned to deal with kids making fun of her. If she refused to wear a jacket outside, she dealt with being cold. If she didn’t like what I made for dinner, she made herself something different and cleaned up her own mess. If she refused to clean her room, everything lying around was gone when she came home from school. If she went to the park with her friends and didn’t return home at the agreed time, she didn’t go next time. When she flew off the handle, I sent her to her room, where she had to stay until she calmed down to have a civil discussion.

I learned the hard way the importance of saying what I meant, meaning what I said, and following through with consequences; she learned the hard way that I was serious about enforcing rules.

I learned that mastering the fine art of picking our battles is probably one of the most vital strategies for parents when dealing with children who have reached a willful level of autonomy and exude a resistance to rules, and those battles will differ from child to child, as Corbin continues to remind me with his exhausting toddler shenanigans.

Through the years, my kids have taught me that effective parenting requires we continuously navigate sticky waters with each new phase they go through, coming out the other side with our sanity, and theirs, intact. What worked last week may not necessarily carry as much weight next month, and, quite honestly, some things just aren’t worth fighting about. While one parent may deem certain issues enormously important, another parent has disengaged from the fight; opting instead for peace.

Sometimes, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves, is fighting this battle worth it? Perhaps you will discover, just as I did, that by giving a little in some areas you will have a happier, more peaceful family.

 

Technorati Tags: Picking Parenting Battles,Walking a tightrope,Parenting,Frustrating Childhood Behaviors,Discipline,Life Lessons

Wordless Wednesday: Ice Ice Baby

 

We busted a left and we’re heading to the next block!

Technorati Tags: Wordless Wednesday

On the Rise – Occupation: Househusband

 

There’s a new generation of modern men sweeping our nation – a rapidly growing demographic – the stay-at-home dad; or, occupation: househusband. These ‘meninists’ are comfortable living outside the norm and embrace the contemporary slogan, ‘men who change diapers change the world,’ while their wives skate off to work as the family’s sole financial provider.

A recent report from the Pew Research Center found that wives are now the primary breadwinners in 22 percent of couples, up from 7 percent in 1970. And, In The Shriver Report, a study by Maria Shriver and the Center for American Progress, half of all U.S. workers are women, and as men lost their jobs in our turbulent economy, mothers have become the primary breadwinners in 4 in 10 families.

But, despite the many triumphs of women in the workforce, which led to more equitable distribution of financial power in marriage over the last 40 years, all is not yet equal, according to the University of Wisconsin National Survey of Families and Households, which reports that even among dual-income couples, women continue to do about two-thirds of the housework on average.

The reason for this growing trend varies, but it’s only fair to ask the question: are SAHDs as capable as SAHMs?

It’s evident that SAHDs are as concerned with isolation in their new status as women have been for decades. Many find themselves reaching out to other like-minded individuals for a sense of community, to network, and share details about their kids. They exchange recipes, participate in book clubs, help one another with DIY projects, schedule play dates, attend kids’ clothing swaps, and contribute within their hometown communities.

The one thing they seem to lack, though, is the stress in managing it all. They don’t feel the need to compete with other men, they don’t put unrealistic expectations upon themselves to do it all, and this includes housework. A few toys strewn about the floor isn’t a big deal, a day (or two) without scrubbing the toilet is fine, and it really doesn’t matter if the kitchen floor goes un-mopped for several days.

“Men in general tend to be more supportive of their peers,” says Michael, a 30-something work at home dad from LA, “most of the men I know are in the same situation for one reason or another.”

Many SAHDs, whether by choice or circumstance, find themselves extremely content in their new roles, after a brief adjustment period, and say it has granted them a high level of relationship satisfaction - with their children and spouses.

As Matt pointed out, “we wanted to home school our kids and since my wife made more money than I did, I get to do it. It doesn’t feel like work to me because I enjoy the daily field trips we take together. My kids learn more with, and from me, than they would in public school.”

It’s also interesting that some men believe they have a personality better suited to staying at home and caring for their children than their counterparts, as Joe, a 35-year-old stay-at-home dad for the past five years explains. “Childcare for a special needs child isn’t cost effective. They expect 2-3 times as much as for a ‘healthy kid’ –we can’t afford that. My wife is a professor and loves her work, and to be honest, she will admit she doesn’t do well with the kids on her own…she’d go crazy doing this full time.”

Many folks with more traditional values see this rising trend as offensive to men everywhere who work two jobs, if needed, to support their families to allow the mother to fulfill her role at home. “A man is supposed to be the breadwinner, that’s how I was raised,” stated 65-year-old Lee, “it’s not normal for young, healthy men to send their wives off to work while they stay home and putz around the house or play video games. They’re slackers!”

“Yeah, so maybe I am a slacker,” declares 26-year-old Evan, an at-home dad of two. “My wife is more ambitious than I, career wise. I’ve always done the minimum required to get by and that fact has led me to where I am right now, which is, by the way, the best job I’ve ever had – caring for my kids. We have amazing fun together.”

I have found that most people have an opinion on this subject, and the views range from incredible support to downright cynicism - depending on age and generational ideologies. But, are conservative women more reluctant to embrace the inauguration of the new modern man?

Bret, a 28-year-old stay-at-home dad of two in New Jersey, said yes. “It’s the women who are dismissive and judgmental of SAHDs. They look at me as if a leper has entered their midst. I’ve often thought it funny that women working in a male dominated environment complained chauvinistic men mistreated them. Isn’t this reverse discrimination?”

“Yes, it is discrimination,” agrees New York at-home dad, Matt, 32, “Women have fought years for equality, and rightly deserved it.  Unfortunately, they aren't ready to extend that same equality when men step into the very same roles they fought for so long to not be stereotyped as.”

Maybe it isn’t the norm, but the numbers of stay-at-home dads continue to rise, and according to 2007 census data, there were 165,000 househusbands in this country. Shouldn’t men be given the same respect and rights women have fought decades to achieve – the right to choose?

“Absolutely!” proclaims Lisa, a 34-year-old Physician’s Assistant in Florida. “I have always out-earned my husband, who worked in retail management until our daughter, now two, was born. We both had ridiculously crazy hours, and it was impossible to find quality childcare 12-14 hours per day.” The best thing, she says, about having a househusband waiting for her after a long day at work—“honestly, it’s the feeling of being taken care of. Not in the traditional sense, but the way he takes care of, and dotes on, our daughter, washes dishes, prepares meals, and still has energy at the end of the day to show appreciation for me.”

So, do you think men and women can successfully switch traditional roles? Would it work for you?

In the end, I believe it’s more important for people to decide if they value a parent being home to care for, and raise, their children instead of outsourcing to a caretaker, regardless of which parent it is. If we all consider what works best for our own families, and do what makes us happy, we will certainly raise confident kids without stereotypical limitations.

There is, after all, more to being a provider than earning a paycheck.

 

Technorati Tags: Stay-at-home dads,House husbands,At-home dads,Working Mothers,Raising Kids,Gender Roles,Traditional Parenting,Modern Parenting,The Shriver Report

Feeding a Picky Toddler and Managing Mealtime Chaos

 

Once again, my two-year-old reminds me just how much mental maneuvering parenthood involves. It’s a perpetual negotiation, a battle of wills, an unnerving power struggle, and the more I attempt to control a situation, the more I lose. Just when I think I have a relatively smooth routine down pat, with scheduled mealtimes, the Toddler in Charge is quick to point out my foolishness.

I seriously think the only reason he complies, for short periods of time, is for the perverse sense of gratification he gets from throwing a monkey wrench into the mix, just to stand on the sidelines in awe, watching intently as I have a meltdown – he gets a kick from my begging, pleading, making deals – it makes him feel powerful. And superior. I know he laughs at me. Seriously. Toddlers are much smarter than the credit given to them.

As of right now, well, actually, this little issue began just before Christmas, when Corbin decided he was too big for his highchair and preferred to sit in a booster seat at the big table, which was great, but … he doesn’t want his booster any longer, either. So, I negotiated a great deal – one that enabled him to sit at the big table, in a big daddy seat, and eat his meal from a big boy plate; a deal that guaranteed we’d sit as a happy little family and share a meal. He was all for it. Wonderful, I thought. Everybody wins. Not so fast, mom, he sneered - like Chucky, that scary, evil doll, and took off running with a piece of broccoli from his plate.

Now, eating while running around is dangerous, and because I’m such a stickler for safety, I went chasing after him, trying to coax him back into his seat, which just wasn’t gonna happen. He thought it was a game, and you know how toddlers enjoy playing games. Ha! He had a tantrum at the table, Jim and I tried to chew our food in between his howls, but seriously, who can digest one bite under those conditions? So… I let him go.

At our family Christmas party, he ran around and threw a football while everyone else sat down to eat. When we got home, he was starving. He ate two all-beef hot dogs and fell asleep. It was the same way when we went to my sister-in-laws house on Christmas day; he refused to sit and eat with everyone else, opting to eat-on-the-run by stealing bites from everyone’s plate like a beggar. This scenario played out once again when the family gathered to celebrate my mother-in-laws birthday a week ago; except Jim attempted to strong arm him into sitting in his booster, and… oh, my, God…he screamed so loud I swear the glass globes hanging above the table shattered into a million tiny pieces and crystallized the plates beneath it.

And so has been our mealtime routine for a month.

His capriciousness about food is disconcerting, especially because he refuses to eat meat, or eggs, but I am re-learning the fine art of picking my battles. Forcing the issue is counterproductive, and I realize that by offering him a little independence, and more choices throughout the day, I can still keep somewhat of a routine flowing smoothly and mealtime meltdowns to a minimum. Anything (well, almost) for a peaceful and calm meal.

I’ve taken cues from him as to how he likes his food served: no sauce on pasta – sauce must be on the side so he can dip it in ‘by self’. No spaghetti. He likes pasta shapes that are easy to pick up and dip. Also, he likes to get his own place setting from the silverware drawer.

I also let him pull his toddler table and chairs into the living room, or kitchen, and when I’m busy cooking, he will sit at his table and graze on fresh veggies or fruit, run around, watch a show for a minute, and come back to the table and take a few more bites.

I’ve noticed that the more independence I give him, the happier he is at mealtime.

Whatever works, right?

While this solution works for us at home, there are challenges: dining out isn’t an option given the circumstances, because he doesn’t like being restrained in the highchair and we certainly cannot allow him to run around in a restaurant. The last time we tried that, I had only two bites of my salad before I found myself pacing the exit door, and let me just say, that was the most expensive salad I’ve ever had.

I realize he will outgrow this behavior and eventually come to love many different foods, even decide to sit at the dining room table and eat like a normal, well-mannered young man, at some point.

Until then, he is winning this one battle.

And, I’m okay with that.

 

Technorati Tags: Toddlers,Mealtime,Picky Eaters,Mealtime Chaos,Picking Parenting Battles

Wordless Wednesday (sort of): Classic Comfort Food

 

Simmering Beef Bourguignon

I’ve been cooking up quite a few hearty dishes the past several days, putting a modern spin on classic French favorites, like Julia Child’s Beef Bourguignon, Coq au Vin, and Steak Diane.

I love everything about French cuisine, from the elaborate preparation to consumption in multiple courses; although my visual display is not nearly as refined, as you will see in my photos – many of which are only partial shots because I was too busy keeping my eye on multiple pots to capture the dishes in their entirety.

French food is time consuming to prepare, and involves numerous extravagant steps, but the finished product is opulent and mouthwatering; it’s also calorific, which is why I don’t prepare it often, and, when I do, I try to cut as much fat as possible and simplify the process. Who has 4-6 hours to devote to meal preparation, unless it’s a special occasion or holiday?

I’m partial to Provencal dishes because I prefer lighter fare, like seafood or chicken, mixed with citrus zest, fresh, fragrant herbs and crunchy, farm fresh vegetables, lots of fresh garlic and yes, even anchovies on occasion; preparing those dishes is a much simpler process.

But… I digress. It is winter after all and wintertime is all about rich, hearty comfort food with highly flavored, thick sauces, croissants and wine, which is why I opted for a modified version of Julia Child’s Beef Bourguignon on Sunday, Coq au Vin on Monday, and today, I’m preparing Steak Diane. I also made Spaghetti Carbonara on Tuesday, just to switch things up a bit.

I think my digestive track will need a break after this.

Browning pearl onions. Step 1 in the brown-braise process

Step 2: Braising the browned pearl onions in wine. These onions are necessary ingredients in both fricassee dishes

Adding brown-braised pearl onions to browned sauteed mushrooms and warming, slightly, before adding to Beef Bourguignon pot

Beef Bourguignon just before thickening phase

Frying chicken (in batches) for Coq au Vin

Simmering Coq au Vin

Technorati Tags: French Classics,Comfort Food,Wordless Wednesday

Back Where I Come From

 

I have lived in a Podunk town in the Midwest for the past 10 years. It happened by accident, really – the move to Podunk; a place I initially fell in love with for its street signs declaring it a children’s place, despite the fact it wasn’t a lakefront community, which is where I come from and what I was looking for, before taking a wrong turn.

Originally, I figured it a community with a strong foundation - a safe haven where kids could roam freely, play in the front yard, or bike through the friendly confines of the neighborhood. I thought it a front-porch community filled with a wealth of heritage, an area with a civil atmosphere - where people looked out for one another. A community, minus the lake, similar to where I grew up, with its many parks and new community center, nature trails at the reservoir … a perfect place to raise a family. A safe place for children, or so I thought!

It didn’t matter, at the time, that a population of 16,000 didn’t warrant specialty stores, gourmet shops, fresh fish markets, novelty boutiques, or charming restaurants within walking distance. It didn’t matter that I’d have to drive an hour to reach a major city in order to shop at Whole Foods or World Market, or even 30 minutes to the nearest mall, Target, or major chain grocer.

Safety.

My concern was safety.

And much of one’s sense of security and well-being stems from the charm that living in a small town provides, or so you’d think.

It did bother me, though, and still does, that much of what I had been accustomed to, like shopping along the beautiful, brick streets or sitting at a sidewalk café breathing in the fresh Lake Michigan air or buying bread from the authentic Swedish bakery or visiting one of the many art galleries, museums and antique shops, are nonexistent here, in Podunk. And don’t even get me started on the abundance of farmer’s markets, fruit stands, roadside stands, organic markets, wineries, and U-pick farms I left behind.

shopping downtown. Back where I come from

Podunk lacks appeal in comparison. It’s scarce, compared to the allure of back where I come from.

What this town does have, though, is a mention in CNN Money. Norwalk, Ohio ranked 21 out of 25 for growing towns with the most affordable homes, although the article failed to mention that this front porch community currently has an extremely high foreclosure rate and, of course, that this kids’ place has 56 registered sex offenders lurking around our children (up from 24 in May 2009).

The article also failed to mention the real beauty and major attractions of the area: we are home to Summit Motorsports Park, Cedar Point is only minutes away, and the Lake Erie Islands are easily accessible via a fun Jet Express ride. We also have a Walmart, K-mart, a couple antique stores, 4 grocery stores, several burger joints, 10 fast food chains, 9 pizzerias, 7 bars, 6 churches, 3 Chinese restaurants, 2 Mexican restaurants, and quite a few additional service businesses.

But, I cannot get it out of my mind that we have 56 (56!) Registered Sex Offenders living within close proximity to our parks, where our children play; working in Walmart, where our children once felt safe to explore the toy aisle alone; working in convenience stores a block from the elementary school, where our kids once felt comfortable buying a juice box on their way to school. Working the grounds at the reservoir, where our children practice throwing a ball; cleaning the pool at our community center, where our kids learn to swim.

How can a parent feel safe with a predator lurking at every corner?

Who’s to say that a child, my child, won’t be accosted in Walmart? The local grocery store? The gas station on the corner? Using the restroom at a restaurant? Walking to the ice cream shop? Swimming in the community pool?

We may have a nice little coffeehouse up the street, but how do I know they don’t employ sex offenders? Cedar Point may make for a fun afternoon, but how can I be certain a sex offender isn’t operating the rides in Camp Snoopy? How do I know, that wherever I go, there isn’t a deviant lying in wait, anticipating the right moment to strike? And what is wrong with these so-called family friendly businesses hiring sex offenders?

So much for feeling secure in a small town.

So much for Norwalk, Ohio being a kids’ place!

Back where I come from, we had not one registered sex offender.

And, they still don’t.

If only I could go back where I come from.

It truly was a kids’ place.

A safe place.

 

Technorati Tags: Small Towns,Front Porch Communities,Midwest Living,Lake Michigan,Registered Sex Offenders,Norwalk OH,Norwalk,OH

Stop Spanking Your Kids. Seriously, They Have Guns Now!

 

Today’s Dr. Phil show was packed full of controversial discussion on issues from letting your children cry it out to co-sleeping, and disciplining a stranger’s kid to spanking.

A 25-year-old waitress, who was not a mother, admitted she carries a belt around her neck to intimidate her three-year-old nephew, whom she does spank, into behaving. She went even further and confessed her desire to spank patrons’ kids who misbehave in public.

I felt my blood pressure rise and the anger within begin to bubble as I listened to this woman’s idiotic statements. Then I was all, ‘you go, girl!’ as Jessica Gottlieb told her she should be jailed for such appalling behavior.

I am no stranger to this debate, I’ve written about it before, and you all know where I stand on this topic; it’s illegal for one adult to hit another, and I believe corporal punishment should be eradicated in the United States, as it is in Sweden, Denmark, and several other countries. I am shocked at how many parents continue to spank their children, especially in this day and age when we are a more educated society and have more resources available than ever before. When you know better, you do better, supposedly, which is why I cannot fathom that 50% of parents continue to spank their children.

I fail to comprehend why so many adults resort to uncivilized behavior toward a much smaller and emotionally dependent child, given that even dog whisperers understand that hitting puppies while training is ineffective.

Spanking is not about discipline, it’s about control. It is an easy way out for lazy parents who have temporarily lost control over their unruly kids, and they lack emotional maturity and psychological means to deal with their children in a calm, firm, and consistent manner. It’s much easier to grab a switch, belt or paddle and hit their kids than it is to exhaust themselves continually enforcing the rules.

If spanking really worked to turn unacceptable behavior into pleasing performance, it would never have to be done more than once, and not one parent who spanks will ever convince me it is NOT done out of anger and frustration, because if they calmed down before striking their child, they’d be clear headed enough to realize an alternative. Likewise, many conservative Christians who claim the Bible encourages spanking have once again misinterpreted its meaning, which is typical, since so many of those same folks walk around thumping others upside the head with their bible, simultaneously claiming “Jesus loves you” in order to control everyone’s eternal life.

Perhaps if these spanking advocates looked in the mirror they may realize the problem is with them, not their children, and maybe they need to change their behavior. Children emulate the adults in charge so if you’re one of those, “do as I say…not as I do” types, who insists your child be honest yet you lack integrity, and your child witnesses you lying - spanking won’t cure that type of rebellion and you simply cannot blame the child for learned behavior.

Spanking only teaches kids that violence is acceptable. It confuses them, eats away at their trust, diminishes their self-esteem, and instills fear. Nobody can learn in a violent, fearful environment because violence destroys the very thing it intends to create.

 

Technorati Tags: Spanking,Raising Kids,Dr. Phil,Abolish Spanking

You Have My Permission To Expose Yourself

Psst… hey, you! Yes, you! Don’t be afraid. Step out of the darkness and into the light. I promise I won’t bite. It’s not as if I don’t already know you where you live. And work. I just don’t know you by name. Whaddya say- isn’t it time we got acquainted?

I mean, if you’ve been reading here long, you’re probably more familiar with me than you had hoped, and I know so little about you. Like, what is your name? What are your hobbies? Which of my posts have you enjoyed? What would you like to read more of here? And, which posts do you wish you hadn’t wasted three minutes of your life reading?

Yeah, that sort of thing.

Today is National Delurker Day, and inquiring minds wanna know these things. So, it’s time to come out of the closet. I’m granting you permission to expose yourself.

 

Technorati Tags: Delurker Day,Blogging,Coming Out

Wordless Wednesday: Walking In A Winter Wonderland

 

This photo was captured last Friday when we were out on our Stress Buster Stroll.

Technorati Tags: Wordless Wednesday,Winter,Stress Busters

Stress Buster Stroll: Walk Off the Winter Blahs

I’ve written before about my lack of passion for Old Man Winter. It’s my least favorite season; the long, grey days; bleak afternoons when darkness falls too early, extremely long nights and frigid temperatures leave me yearning for spring.

I’m quite certain I suffer from the wintertime blues. I don’t like the frigid temps or fare well in the snow, so I become a recluse and hibernate all winter, only getting out when absolutely necessary, which, as a work-at-home mother, isn’t very often. I manage quite well – for the first two months – keeping myself busy with household projects, work, reading, and other tasks that fell by the wayside during the busy months of summer, but – by February, cabin fever begins setting in, and by March, I’m longing for a time-share in Cabo.

I become restless, moody, and irritable. I lack energy, sleep a lot more, and over indulge in comfort food, which is why I’ve packed on about 30 pounds in the last three years. I want nothing more than to get outside and bask in the glorious sunshine, open the windows, and breathe in the fresh air.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, I’m not alone. Approximately 10% to 20% of the U.S. population suffers from a mild case of winter blues. Most are women, in their 20s through their 40s, who live at high latitudes where seasonal changes are extreme and there’s less available sunlight during the winter. Hello, Midwest!

I don’t use light therapy or take anti-depressants, yet! However, I do take a B-complex vitamin and I’m really trying to watch the intake of comfort food this winter, opting instead for small, healthy meals and snacks, and incorporating steps into my exercise regimen. I also read a lot of great books that motivate and inspire me, send handwritten letters to family, and push myself to stay involved socially – which is a more difficult task, in all honesty.

This winter I am adding a new habit and I’m going to beat the wintertime blues! I’m heading outside to face the frigid air head on with a stress buster stroll. Corbin and I took our first snow walk on Friday and it was invigorating.

How do you beat the wintertime blahs?

 

Technorati Tags: Wintertime Blues,SAD,Seasonal Depression

Love and War: Reality Roundup

 

Reality TV star, Kate Gosselin, whose divorce was final December 18, said goodbye to 2009 with a bang. Shortly after, she said good-bye to her signature reverse-mullet - the iconic hairstyle that has been the butt of jokes and Halloween costumes – in favor of longer locks. The process of bonding hair extensions to her short mane took 20 hours, and, at a cost of $1500 –$5000 will only last three to four months.

It’s good to have hair again,” Kate tells People Magazine. “I never thought I’d have short hair for as long as I did. I feel like this is a fresh start, a fresh me, a fresh life. I’m rebuilding. There’s no option for this not to be a good year. Now I get to start over with a new self and new goals.”

In other news, Simon Barney, from The Real Housewives of Orange County, filed for dissolution Wednesday from his reality star housewife, Tamra, stating irreconcilable differences, verbal abuse, and acts of disloyalty and infidelity. It appears she may be right back where she started before marrying her millionaire husband.

If you’re a regular viewer of Real Housewives, you know of the dramatic tension between the two of them this season. Tamra accusing Simon of controlling behavior. Simon begging Tamra to act respectable. I’m not surprised, given last night’s episode, when she admitted to her mother that their marriage is not good. She made statements to reflect her unhappiness, proclaiming “I’m so over it!” and “I can’t deal with it anymore!” and admitted they’ve been at each other’s throats constantly.

“Love doesn’t come easy, you have to work at it,” her mother stated. Tamra cried. She responded, “I feel like I’m losing my mind. I can’t eat or sleep. There’s so much built up resentment.” Admittedly, she’s not the perfect wife, feeling as though she can’t possibly live up to Simon’s expectations of her. “Simon wants a housewife,” her mother declared “and you want more than that!” “I’m not who he wants me to be. He tells me everything I do is wrong and if I didn’t have the kids, there’s no question, I would leave!”

“Make it better or go your own way,” her mother advised.

“I don’t have any more fight in me!”

I guess not.

Tamra moved out of their million dollar home and into a two-bedroom apartment January 3, 2010. Three days later Simon filed for divorce.

Tamra and Simon were married May 23, 1998 and have three children, Sidney, 11; Spencer, 9; and Sophia, 4.

 

Technorati Tags: Reality TV,Kate Gosselin,The Real Housewives of Orange County,Simon Barney,Tamra Barney

What Kind of Mother are You?

As I listened to Dr. Phil talk with mothers on both ends of the parenting style spectrum, I couldn’t help shaking my head in disbelief at the mother who, at one point, didn’t trust her own husband to be with their daughter. Yes, she was that over-protective!

According to the Dr. Phil show, if your involvement INHIBITS abilities at your child’s level of development, then you’re an over-protective Helicopter Parent.

If your involvement pushes your child BEYOND abilities at your child’s level of development, then you are a passive Free-Range Parent.

I guess I’ve really never given a second thought to my parenting style before, primarily because I don’t like labels, nor do I believe there’s a one-size fits all solution. I have four kids and each child is different – the manner in which I parented my oldest son, who is now 19, would never have worked with my daughter, 10.

My son was an introvert who became anxious when overly stimulated, overwhelmed with change, and had difficulty focusing on, and following through, with tasks. If I raised my voice at him, he’d completely shut down. I learned that, with him, I had to gently redirect his attention, be on top of his progress, and limit his choices.

My daughter, on the other hand, was a spirited toddler who thrived on pandemonium; unyielding when she wanted something, it was an almost daily tug of war, over the craziest of things, which left me emotionally depleted and physically exhausted quite often. She refused to sleep in her own bed -in any bed - until kindergarten. If I raised my voice at her, she raised hers louder. I learned that, with her, I really had to pick my battles.

Just like many of you, I worry about being a good mom, about raising capable, confident kids; I fear my parenting may have negative effects, at times, but I don’t obsess about it. I love my kids, and their best interests are always a top priority, but I don’t sacrifice my own needs to give them every emotional, intellectual, and material advantage. Nor do I spend so much time coddling my kids that I neglect my marriage.

I’m strict when it comes to things like safety, dinner hour, and bedtime. I’m fairly easygoing, yet cautious, when it comes to allowing age-appropriate freedoms. And, I’m passive when it comes to allowing respectful debate. After all, I did agree to let my girls make the decision to live with their dad in Indiana.

I believe I’m a good enough mother. I’m warm and affectionate, mostly. I talk with them - not at them – and allow them the freedom to voice their opinions. I can be playful and silly or serious and authoritative. I set rules and guidelines, but I’m flexible and offer choices. I assert my expectations, but I’m not intrusive and restrictive. Sometimes, I lose it and yell. Or curse. I’ve had to apologize at the end of the day countless times. They are well aware that mommy makes mistakes, too, and she doesn’t have all the answers.

I know there’s always room for improvement, and I work on things in myself when they arise in order to be a more positive influence in the lives of my kids. After all, that’s where it starts, right? With me?

If I had to take an educated guess, I’d say most likely I fall somewhere in the middle and adopt principles from both sides into my parenting technique.

I don’t believe in over-protecting and over-scheduling kids to the point of robbing them of learning the values and skills necessary to succeed in life, nor do I believe that kids should be left to their own vices – whenever, wherever.

The key is balance, I think.

I do know that the world is so different today from the one in which I grew up.

I grew up a Free-Range kid (we had different terminology back then) only a few blocks from Lake Michigan. I was able to ride my bike, without a helmet, to the beach after dinner and hang out with my friends, who were older than I was. I almost drowned twice. My mother never knew. I began staying home alone with my younger brother and sister for hours at a time at 11-years-old; by 13, I was babysitting for Illinois folks who took me home with them every summer.

Back then, though, our neighborhoods were our villages – neighbors really took the time to get to know one another, everyone had everybody else’s phone number, and parents watched over -and out for- all the kids within their village. That’s how I got caught smoking – a neighbor called my mother. That’s also how I was caught skipping school – the grocery store clerk called my mother after my friends and I stopped in for Pepsi. And, that’s how I got caught drinking, at 17, in a bar, with older boys, on a school night! Oy!

I never thought I’d hear myself say, those were the days, referring to a community of people who cared enough to stick their nose in your business.

We just don’t seem to have that anymore.

So, maybe I am a little more neurotic these days about certain things, but after going through a few deeply disturbing, life-changing experiences in the past several years, perhaps you would be, too.

I am curious as to where you fit on the parenting style scale. Care to share your thoughts?

 

Technorati Tags: Parenting,Motherhood,Dr. Phil,Parenting Styles,Free-Range Parenting,Helicopter Parenting

Stay in Bed Sunday

Yesterday, Lifetime Movie Network declared Stay in Bed Sunday and, in return, I blissfully complied – sort of. After sleeping in until almost 11 A.M., I retreated to the sofa where I spent the majority of my day watching movies, reading books, leafing through magazines, and indulging in a carpet picnic with Corbin – only getting out of my pajamas to take a long, hot bubble bath by candlelight. It was a glorious day of relaxation, which left my body, mind, and spirit rejuvenated.

I certainly couldn’t think of a better way to spend a brisk winter day in the Midwest.

When I was growing up, Sundays were regarded as the most enjoyable day of the week. It was a family day traditionally spent gathering with friends and family for a substantial meal, relaxation, and laughter; a day of escape surrounded by a village of loved ones before the hectic work/school week begun. I always found Sunday’s quite exhilarating, as any young child would - playing with cousins, listening to my great grandmother’s stories - it felt like a holiday gathering every week. As my cousins began graduating, aunts and uncles retired and the family scattered throughout the country – with that, our Sunday tradition found less and less family members present, and soon, it was no longer.

As an adult, I found new meaning in each Sunday during each phase in my life.

As a single woman, I found that Sunday was my special day to sleep in, enjoy a leisurely brunch with friends, take in a movie, lounge at the beach, and prepare my mind and soul for a new week. As a married woman, it was a delightful day spent doing many of the same things, with a plus one. As a mother, its generally been a day of housework, laundry, preparing for the week ahead, and reminiscing about the days of yore – longing to recapture the feeling of togetherness and connection and pass it on to my own children.

But as I have learned, we all have to make our own traditions, and during the winter months, for the last few years, at least – Sunday has been our jammie day. A wonderful day of laze spent eating comfort food, reading, movie watching, cat napping, playing games, and just… being.

My village may be smaller now, but yesterday was…another great escape spent surrounded by loved ones.

How do you spend your Sundays?

 

Technorati Tags: Family Traditions,Rest and Relaxation,Jammie Days

A New Year, A New You

Welcome 2010!

Welcome 2010!

I imagine you’ve already begun putting into place the changes you’d like to make this year. If not, it’s never too late to implement change; if you’re unsure where to begin, read 10 Resolutions Every Woman Should Make as a starting point on your journey to discovering ways to add more positivity into your life this year.

The surest way to building a better life is to focus on a becoming a better you, and in order to achieve the results you desire, you must reinvent yourself by developing and expanding internally. I’m sure you’ve heard the famous quote by Gandhi, be the change you want to see in the world. It’s true - change happens from the inside out.

This is not an easy task. In fact, it’s more difficult than outwardly challenges like saving money for a new vehicle or changing careers after 10 or 20 years, because the minute you decide to strengthen your character you will undoubtedly be met with opposition that will confront your willingness and ability to stand firm, be brave and follow through. I remember the year I made a resolution to have more patience. I was met with so many obstacles and tested at every turn for what seemed like months, and in all honesty, I failed a few times, but also learned quickly how to regroup, refocus, and move ahead. I have more patience now, and although it didn’t come easy, the hard work definitely paid off.

Decide today to make this year bright by asking yourself, what character trait would I like to build upon this year? Then focus your attention to that area, supporting your goal with affirmations and active participation.

Happy New Year! May you be blessed with a light that shines from the inside out!

 

Technorati Tags: Implementing Change,Be a Better You,Character