Moms Losing Custody: Is It Fair?

 

 

I just read Custody Lost, an astounding article published by Working Mother, which chronicles the divorce of Julie, a working mother, who consequently lost custody of her children and was ordered to pay her non-working ex-spouse $850 a week in child support and $450 a week in alimony. That’s a whopping $1300! A week!

I’d like to share with you a quote from the article:

Custody cases like Julie’s are increasingly being played out in family courtrooms across the country. A shift in the courts’ focus, a limping economy and dramatic male/female role reversals in many nuclear families are leading to nontraditional outcomes. Not long ago, men usually paid the child support and doled out the alimony. Moms (working or not) almost always got the kids in messy divorce wars. Years of changing diapers, wiping noses and kissing boo-boos gave them the edge. But now the tide is turning.

The “tender years doctrine,” a court presumption that mothers are the more suitable parent for children under 7, was abolished in most states in 1994. And, due in large part to the recession, women are poised to outnumber men in the workforce for the first time in American history. Job layoffs affecting more men than women have yielded a burgeoning crop of Mr. Moms.

“Men are now able to argue that they spend more time with the kids than their working wives do,” says veteran New York City divorce attorney Raoul Felder. “This is one of the dark sides of women’s accomplishments in the workplace—they’re getting a raw deal in custody cases, while men are being viewed more favorably.”

I don’t know about you, but my first reaction after reading this heartbreaking story was there has to be more to it. I mean, women do not just lose custody unless they’re proven unfit, right?

Wrong!

I’m quite certain that Working Mother did some fact checking before publishing and this is what we’re left with – women are losing custody of their children to stay-at-home-dads and work-at-home-dads because they aren’t as available for the day-to-day care.

And, Julie isn’t alone. While there are approximately 2.2 million women in this country without custody of their children, each woman’s story is unique, and heartbreaking, nonetheless. Some women relinquish custody voluntarily; while others have it ripped from them. The last thing a noncustodial mother in this situation needs is more judgment; more people pointing fingers or making assumptions.

I should know. I joined the ranks of noncustodial motherhood in 2008 - of which I have written endlessly - from making the decision to the uncertainty of it all, from the emotional torment to the negative stigma in society. I can honestly tell you that divorce is the easy part of this gut-wrenching equation. Some women are lucky to be able to co-parent successfully with an ex-spouse who becomes her ally; many are not. It’s so easy for the current to change and the waters become swiftly muddied when your ex, who has custody of your kids, decides to take a live-in partner, or remarries, and isn’t as willing to work with you for the greater good of your kids. It does happen.

I’ve never been of the belief that mothers should automatically get custody just because they’re mothers. I’ve always believed the judgment should be made on a case by case basis. In some situations, the man does possess more maternal characteristics and is just as capable – if not more so - of caring for and nurturing the children, and they have gotten a raw deal in the past. In fact, I know one such father and witnessed him curl up in a ball and cry over the judge’s decision to award his alcoholic, drug addicted ex-wife custody, and the many vicious ways in which she used their children as pawns in a twisted emotional game with him in order to get even for his challenging her in court. Clearly, he was the more suitable parent, but… she was the mother.

So, for a woman to lose custody of her kids because her husband is unmotivated to provide for his family, is a ruling I can’t comprehend. She was forced out into the workforce and is now being penalized for spending too much time working in order to provide her family with shelter, food, and clothing.

I believe the judge in this case, a woman – if I recall correctly - made a monumental error. I hate to think of what this trend will do to professional women attempting to balance motherhood, with career and marriage.

What’s the answer?

Is it fair in this modern age to expect women to be happy homemakers instead of doctors, lawyers, governors, CEOs and VPs? What about the women who have to work full or part-time jobs to supplement their husband’s income? Should families learn to live on less to allow the mother to stay home?

 

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